What are your countless wonders?

I just finished reading the story of Moses leading God’s people out of Egypt.  It’s one I usually skim, having heard the story throughout my life.  Either as a child from Bible story books or as a Hollywood movie filled with added romances, it is a story that brings back many memories.  However, I took a little more time to read it today.  It’s amazing how many miracles the Israelites saw during and leading up to their escape:  the swarm of locusts, the first Passover, the tower of wind and fire, the parting of the Red Sea, and many more.  Yet, the Israelites continued to doubt God’s plan for them throughout all these miraculous moments.  It frustrates me to no end when I read this part of Exodus.  The Israelites were living in a time where God’s power was as visible as the tree growing in my backyard, yet they could not even wait for Moses to return from the mount before creating another lifeless god to try to replace the Lord.  And I think, “If I had witnessed all that the Israelites saw, I could have been faithful!  I would not have thrown my pearls before the statue of some absurd cow.”

 

Then I stop short, shake my head and laugh sheepishly.  Probably not.  The people of Israel were forced to work as slaves for generations, and me—well, I live in a land where I can vote, read the Bible without being locked away, and order a sandbox online to have it delivered right to my door, with free shipping even.  My beautiful daughter sleeps peacefully in the next room and my loving husband is at work providing for my family so that I can stay home with her.  Even after all this, I still have difficulty being faithful.  I cry out to God at times, “Why is this happening to me?”  And I continue to ask for more when I have already been blessed with so much.  In “No one like you,” David Crowder sings, “How could you be so good to me?”  How often, really, do I ask myself that?  Every moment? Ha.  Every day? Not even close.  Well, I’ll just say not as often as I should.

 

My mom once told me that whenever she was feeling sad as a child, she would make a list of all the good things in her life.  Starting right now, I am going to make a list of the countless wonders that God has given me today.  At the very top will be Matt and Ariella.  Here are a few more wonders I can see just from where I am sitting—Christmas decorations to remind me of Jesus’ love, this computer that links me to my family and friends on a constant basis, a refrigerator and cupboard filled with food, and my dogs  who are ready to wag their tails and lick my face whenever I move.  Miracles, blessings, wonders.  Call it what you like, but I bet you could find a few right now as well.

Next time, Hookers and Robbers.

Carried Away

Growing up, I was a bit of a rebel and a feminist in my own quiet way. Feel free to start laughing and giving me skeptical looks. It’s true. I never much cared for authority, and I would indulge this feeling in various ways. My dad once told me that I would disagree with him no matter what he said.  I  probably would have debated with my father as a teenager about the sky being blue. I had a love of  reading very early in my life, and I began reading stories in fifth grade about female soldiers and spies in the Civil War. Not because I have this overwhelming sense of patriotism or a strong interest in history, but because I loved stories of women who cheated the chauvinistic rules of their society. These women proved everyone wrong who thought that women were weak and fainted at the first sign of distress.  They were willing to put their lives in harm’s way for a cause in which they believed. Even now, my feelings of feminism have not died down. A few months ago, I went through a kick of reading historical fiction about woman rulers, including Nefertiti, The Triumph of Deborah, and The Last Empress. Even the name of my daughter Ariella is symbolic of female strength, meaning “lioness of God.”

One of my favorite English professors, Dr. Kemp, once told the class that he thought being a woman in today’s culture was much harder than being a man. We are expected to look sexy but not want sex. We are expected to take care of our children and hold down a job to support the house. We are expected to all fit in a size 4 or less dress but still be proud of our bodies. And if we call ourselves Christians, we are expected to be strong, independent woman but still be humble servants of God, obedient to our husbands. How does one come to terms with this? How do I swallow the ideology that to believe in Christ is to be free but I have to be submit to God? How do I lose myself for God without losing myself?

More often than not, the word “independence” is used synonymously with the word “freedom.” The first line in Carried Away is “You are the open door to freedom.” The word freedom used in the realm of Christendom sometimes causes me to have a feeling of unrest. According to Galatians 5:1, Jesus’ mission on earth was to set us free. At the same time, the Bible contains many scriptures about being a servant of God, some even refer to being a slave when following Him.  A few weeks ago, I was studying Psalm 139: 1-3, which reads, “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.” I am going to be totally honest and say this does not always give me a sense of security. In fact, sometimes “stalker” pops into my head and I want to shout, “Hey, God, give me some space!”

I wish I could give you a nicely wrapped answer with all the right scripture. But I’m still working on it myself even after all these years. This is what I’ve decided so far. If I put my self-proclaimed independent self under a magnifying glass for a moment, I begin to see all sorts of black specks and smudges: pride, laziness,  pettiness, fear… the list goes on and on. Suddenly my cherished independence is sullied and full of cracks. But then I add God to the picture. His utmost desire is show me love by taking away all those black marks and make me new again, freeing me from all those sins. The Lord doesn’t want to make me into a cardboard cut-out of what a Christian should look like; He wants to take all my best qualities and bring them to the surface. God wants me to run after Him, because, if I don’t, I will lose myself to myself. God has my best interests in mind even when I haven’t the faintest clue. On top of that, He wants this freedom from sin for all humanity. So, just like all those Civil War spies and soldiers, I have found a cause to give my life to. I wanna be carried away, and I’m ok with it.

This post took me a while, so thanks for bearing with me. Next time around, I’ll be talking around David Crowder‘s “No one like you.”  This one always makes me feel like jumping, so jump a few times for me!

Some will seek forgiveness, others escape

What images appear in your mind when you think of home? An apartment, a dorm room, the basement, a house with a white picket fence and a backyard? And what do you expect to happen the next time you arrive home? Smiling faces, dark silence, purring, a wagging tail, the sun setting through the windows, the sun rising? A different picture for each of us, I’m sure. For me, my home is a cape cod, roughly 1,000 square feet, in a nice but not too nice neighborhood in Annapolis, MD, and my parents-in-law own the house. And yes, we’re living with Matt’s parents. After Matt and I were laid off, Matt found a job in Baltimore, MD back in September 2009. At that point, we still owned our townhouse in Fredericskburg, VA and didn’t feel that it was the right time to sell.  After finding some awesome tenants, we moved into Frank and Claudia Murphy’s house until we were ready to get a place of our own.

Of all the lines in Underoath’s Some Will Seek Forgiveness, I was surprised by the one that moved me the most. This past week, I had been living with a feeling of anxiety that I couldn’t quite put a finger on. At first, I thought it was that DVD I forget to return to the library and couldn’t find. (Did I mention that this was the third time I’ve returned a case to the library without its accompanying DVD? Memory is not one of my strong points!) And then I blamed my anxious feelings on the rainy weather, but even as the sun peeked through the clouds, they still didn’t pass. One night I prayed that God would show me the source of these feelings. The next day as Aaron Gillespie sung “Jesus, I’m ready to go home,” the answer came just after the tears started flowing. I was ready to be in my own home, where I can hang my own pictures and decorations, and I can sit on my own furniture. Where, if there was a mess, it would be ok because it would be my own mess (or Matt‘s, or Ariella’s). Where I could run to the bathroom in the middle of the night without worrying about being decent.

Just as I was about to allow a full-fledged pity-party to go into full swing, I heard a whisper, “Becky, what is ‘home’ to you?” That stopped me in my tracks. Inspired by the illustration of God whispering in the song, I had been reading the story of Elijah in the cave. I had asked God that if He had something to tell me, to please reveal it to me just as He did with Elijah.  I have learned that God will answer my prayers, whether I like the answer or not. At that moment, the answer came, and I realized my heart was in need of a complete overhaul. I responded to His question with my Bible school answer, “Jesus is my home.”  But was I living this way and did I believe it at the moment?

There’s this awesome song by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros called “Home.” I am psyched every time I catch it on the radio and sing along enthusiastically to the lines, “home, let me go home, home is wherever I’m with you.” If Matt and I had the ability to sing a duet in front of people with ears, this would be one of my top song choices. The song “Home” shows the loving relationship of a man and woman to me, but, for me, it also summarizes my feelings for God. If I rely on Him wholly, then He will take care of me like the birds in the air and the flowers in the field. He will be my home. It’s the times when I lose track of my reliance on my Provider that the world becomes dim. Psalm 18 reads, “My God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.” As long as I have a relationship with the Lord, He is my stronghold and my shelter.

Another hard lesson I’ve learned is that I’ve allowed my selfish desire for our own home to supersede the wonderful gifts that my in-laws have given my family. Without Frank and Claudia’s generosity, Matt and I would be in a pretty rocky financial boat right now.  And their love for my family has shone through again and again as they cook dinners for us, clean for us, and watch Ariella during date nights (can I get an Amen?!), weddings, and other outings. I am so blessed that God has given me such wonderful parent-in-laws. And as a special side note, it’s Claudia’s birthday today and it was Frank’s birthday yesterday.  Happy birthday, Frank and Claudia!

My next song is Carried Away by Sonic Flood.  Make sure to check out this awesome version!

You Won’t Relent

When I was about 10 years old, I was listening to a sermon on Sunday morning and the pastor asked all the churchgoers if God was a jealous God.  In my head, I thought, “Of course not! Jealousy is only for us petty humans. He never feels anything but love.”  Imagine my surprise when I learned that God is, in fact, a very jealous God.  Over the years, I learned that jealousy is entwined with love, and God’s jealousy is a part of His perfection. Men and women, myself included, allow jealousy to cause us to make unfortunate choices. But that’s a whole ‘nother blog.

“You Won’t Relent” draws me in with the image of a seal. “I’ll set You as a seal upon my heart/ As a seal upon my arm.” In Biblical times, many men (and some women) owned a seal, and this seal was placed upon a document or another object to show ownership or even display authority.  A signet ring was used as a seal by the king in Esther to declare that the Jews be annihilated and later to declare that they were blessed by him. (This king waffled way more than any politician in America.)  Seals were so important to the identity of the owner that they were often worn around the owner’s neck or arm to keep them safe. In chapter 8 of Song of Solomon, Jesus is shown as our prized possession and becomes the identity of any who claims Him as the reason for their existence. Misty Edwards was able to take the verses of  Song of Solomon 8:6-7 almost verbatim and turn them into an awesome song. “You Won’t Relent” is strong but simple, consisting of only 12 lines. As the music builds and Misty’s voice soars, the song clearly portrays the idea of being consumed by the flames of a powerful God.   “Come be the fire inside of me/ Until you and I are one.” In the book of Exodus, the Israelites actually saw the Lord upon a mountainside, and the closest image they could use to describe Him was “a raging fire.”

Every so often, I have to remind myself that God loves me with a fierceness and tenacity that is breathtaking.  It’s easy enough to tell myself that God loves me, a belief that I easily glossed over. But dig a little deeper, and it becomes hard to wrap my head around.  God’s love is like nothing I will ever experience here on Earth, even compared to the affection from my closest family and friends. The love I have for my husband is often intermingled with frustrations and worry, as I know his love is for me.  I love my daughter Ariella with a zeal that only a mother could find, but I don’t think about her every moment of the day and there’s no way I know every hair upon her head. God’s love for me is as constant as time, and He loves me with a devotion stronger than any metal. Not only that, the Lord relentlessly pursued me, insignificant and sinful as I am, until I fell in love with Him.

We cannot measure God to any other relationship we have had, currently have, and will ever have. All other relationships are a shallow comparison, and they tend to be filled with disappointment and failed expectations.  I’m not saying we should forgo being in loving relationships with other people. I believe wholeheartedly God designed us for fellowship and love, and I believe that people are at their best when surrounded by caring camaraderie. But I know I have tried to fill my need for a perfect love with other people, only to discover heartache.  My love for God has to come before any other love in my life, otherwise the pieces of my life will not fit together. God demands to be first, and He will tear down any idol that we try to put in His place. Does that sound pushy? Yep. But haven’t we all longed to find that one person who loves us without hesitation and longs to have us love him or her the same way in return? Thankfully, God will never be indifferent, discouraged, or malicious towards us –He will remain passionate, devoted, jealous as the grave.

It’s a little late, so I’m going to post my next song in the morning when I’m feeling fresh.  Good night!

EDIT (May 13) – Listened to a mix of mine and rediscovered the song “Some Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape” by Underoath.  It’s not a traditional worship song, but it’s still very worshipful for me.

Daylight

Have you ever been in darkness, utter darkness?  I’m not talking about sitting in a windowless room with no lights; I’m talking about spiritual, emotional and mental bleakness.  The feeling that no matter where you go, what you do, or who you talk to, you will never leave this forsaken place.  It’s happened to me. And I think this is why I love the song Daylight. Daylight spins the image of a helpless crew aboard a lost space ship. Back on Earth, newscasters are relaying the news that they may never been seen again. At the moment when all seems hopeless, the crew makes contact and informs everyone that they have Earth in their sight.  The last word sung is “home,” and singer Reese Roper makes it sound as if the word is said with a deep, heartrending sigh of relief.  I love it.

Depression is a funny word. It brings to mind all sorts of images and ideas including an unfortunate mindset widely adopted by Christian culture. “Depressed people don’t have enough faith, or they probably don’t even really believe in God. How can they act this way and still say they’re Christian?!” Well, I have suffered from depression, and most likely, I will again one day. Depression is cyclical for me and happens during huge life changes. I have accepted this, and I’m learning ways to deal with it which, in the past, included seeing a counselor.   So far, I have never needed medication, but this isn’t ruled out as an option. Some of the most amazing Christians I know take medication for mental illness, just like you probably know people who take medication every spring for allergies. I don’t consider medication a crutch or an excuse, just a way to fight illness.

The first and worst period of depression I experienced took place in college.  Talk about major life changes. Newly-found independence mixed with being confronted by several battling ideologies and a messed-up romantic relationship. The perfect recipe for depression. No one seemed to understand what I was going through. Suddenly, I was fighting off thoughts that this life needed to be ended with no better option in sight. I was alone, and it was dark.

What brought me back to daylight? I began reading the Bible, specifically the book of Psalms. I had tried living my life my own way. Since that was a disaster, I decided to try out this salvation idea. I was an English major, so the poetic Psalms were an ideal way to be introduced to studying the Bible. King David’s cries for help were a constant source of comfort for me. I was not alone anymore. Someone else also felt surrounded by fear and doubt, someone else wallowed in the trenches of loneliness and despair. Not only that, in the middle of David’s darkest hours, he managed to constantly cry out to a loving God for protection and aid.  And David received it, time and again. This was the God that I so desperately needed.

In the times when solace is needed again, I return to the Psalms. And I learned I’m not the only one, thanks to the wonders of Facebook. I asked my FB friends to tell me their favorite Psalm and why.  I was surprised and delighted by the number who responded. Psalm 40 was loved by several people.  In verse 40:2, Betty Owens told me how it “explains how God lifted [her] out of the pit and set [her] feet upon a rock (the ROCK-Jesus).”  Joel Pazmino loves verse 40:17, which states that the Lord is our help and deliverer.  And Kevin King pointed out that Psalm 40 is so awesome that U2 turned it into a modern rock song.  Here are some other explanations of favorite Psalms sent to me from FB world:

Matt Murphy–107: “When we cry his name, he rescues.” Kelley Monahan–51: “It promises forgivness.” Amy Caton–121: “I love the fact that He never sleeps. He is my protector and will always help me. I rely on this fact for me and my family all the time.”  Katie Holt–139: “God has, is, and always will be there.” Julia Owens–66: “Praise, refinement, remembering what God has done-it sings all the parts of real life as they are in the hand of the one who holds and keeps us.”  Sarah Daubert–103: “A wonderful summation of his gracious love and compassion. I pray through it all the time.” Meg Hoffman–139: “It’s one of the first scriptures God used to capture my heart,” and for 68:5, “It helps me capture God’s heart.”  There’s not much to add, except that God’s word is amazing, ageless and alive.

For this week, try out You Won’t Relent by Misty Edwards.  Thanks for listening.

Yours Forever

The first time I heard Yours Forever, it was love at first listen. My jaw dropped and immediately I was drawn into the song.  It happened a few weeks ago when I went to a Hillsong United show in PA.  Hillsong had already played some incredible worship songs, but this one stood out for me.  Maybe it was the song’s intensity and exuberance or the rawness of its lyrics.  The beat to Yours Forever reminded me of Irish punk bands like Flogging Molly and Dropkick Murphys, minus references to drinking and the damn-the-man attitude.  The fast melodic drum rhythm sounded like a call to action to give “our lives to see Your name made known,” and the aggressive guitar a declaration of faith “to the One who gave us life.”

The songs speaks of walking in the truth that overcame our sin.  When I decided to follow God, I shed the idea that I could do it on my own.  I now allow the Lord to guide me through my life, and He is the light that illuminates my life’s road, not my own fumbling choices.  Sometimes God chooses hard and rocky paths for me to follow, and the time-old question of “Why?!’ always crosses my mind and even gets yelled aloud during really distressing times.  “Why did you allow both me and Matt to get laid off?  Why did we have to leave all our church and friends for a new city?  Why did bleach stain my favorite purple shirt that made me feel super skinny?” (Some of my questions are a tad more serious than others, I admit.)  The Bible has a very clear answer for me, even though I’m not always prepared to accept the answer.  James 1:2-4 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  I will never be a complete and mature person unless God allows me to face trials. God’s plan is perfect, not one of those things He does just for grins and giggles.  At the end of every dark period of my life, I leave with even more knowledge and faith than before.  I learn again that God doesn’t allow crappy things for a good laugh, He loves me and wants me to be a better person.  Although it sucks that Matt and I were forced to leave a workplace in which we loved our coworkers and moderately enjoyed our work, it has opened amazing doors.  I am now a stay-at-home mother, where I can love and guide my beautiful daughter.  We have made amazing friends.  We are now a part of a launch team to start a church in a needy community.

I often think of how I interact with my daughter Ariella when I’m pondering scripture like that in James.  Even though my hands itch every time I see Ariella struggling to place a jigsaw puzzle piece correctly, I hold myself back.  “It would be so easy for me, and it would make her so happy,” my nurturing side cries out.  Yet, Ariella would never learn, and I would still be putting together puzzles when she turned thirty.  On a much larger scale, God does the same thing for me.

Accepting hardship is not the end of it.  James did not tell Jesus’ followers to “just deal with it” or “get over it.”  James said to consider hardship “a pure joy.”  What?! I’m in the middle of all this junk, and you want me to like it?!  Well, yes.  God wants me to understand that He is helping me, and as a response to His love, he desires that I show Him love-filled joy in return. Easily written, but this is definitely a struggle for me. When I am in the middle of a storm, the last thing I want to do is go to God with a big smile on my face and tell Him how much I love Him, how much I appreciate what He is doing.  But I know that the more I overcome my feelings of dissatisfaction and come  to rely on God’s will for my life with joy in my heart, the easier it will become.  And why I should go through all the trouble of conditioning my heart in such a way?  “Cause the love of Christ is what the world needs most,” sings Hillsong.  How much easier it would be to love my daughter, my husband, my friends, and my neighbors if I wasn’t mulling over how bad I felt.  We live in a broken world that is in need of hope, not more brokenness.  So, I will be “singing your praises until my lungs give out/ to the hope of the world, the One who gave me life!”

And for the upcoming week, listen to Daylight with me by Brave Saint Saturn…  because the bravest thing I have is hope.

You are what you sing

It was a small, nondenominational  church set in the middle of a suburban neighborhood in Norfolk, VA.  The families that comprised my church met regularly for potluck dinners and intimate Bible studies. Although it no longer exists, this church and my loving parents gave me a strong spiritual foundation that was the beginning of my adventure with the Lord.  Some of my earliest childhood memories as a young girl were singing Jehovah Jireh with my family, clapping my hands to a tambourine, and singing words I didn’t really understand.  Worship was and has always been the highlight for me on Sunday mornings.   Singing along with others excited about God, feeling my heart swell with joy at his goodness, and lifting my hands in response to his unchanging love–I feel closer to my maker than at any other time in the service.

I certainly don’t claim to be an expert on worship, especially since I  don’t have an ounce of musical ability in me.  I’ll leave that to my talented husband who was in a Christian band for seven plus years, has played in a worship band for six plus years and will be a worship leader at a new church called Revolution Annapolis.  Matt has a detailed knowledge of worship music, and music in general, that would match any professional music critic.  As for me, I can hardly remember the names of those songs I love to sing, more often referring to a song by saying, “Hey, what is that song called where we sang about God?”  Nevertheless, worship is my way of drawing closer to God.  A few years ago, Common Ground Church did a sermon series called “You’ve Got Style” based on some teaching from Andy Stanley explaining the different ways people connect with God.  After I took the quiz determining my “style”, I realized that without a doubt worship would always be my preferred step stool to reach my Abba father.

Last week, I saw Hillsong United play at the Tower Theater in Upper Darby, PA.  Their exuberance and palpable love of God shone through every action that took place on stage.  It was thrilling to be surrounded by other men and women unashamed to shout their love of Jesus through songs like The Desert Song and Mighty to Save.  One of the highlights to the night, however, did not happen while Hillsong was on stage but while in the car with Julia Owens and Jon Shores.  We had some awesome and spiritually stimulating conversations ranging from our uneasy love of Derek Webb to the church’s view on cursing.  One concern I voiced during the evening’s exchange was how difficult it was to continue my attitude of worship on Sunday morning to the rest of the week.  Since that observation, I have been thinking about how often I sing of praising God no matter what the circumstances, but in reality, many of my actions post-Sunday are done with little to no consideration of God’s will for my life.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sung about how I live for His name when really I’m living for those few hours of peace during nap time or for the next episode of Project Runway.  Selfishness permeates my life instead of the author of my salvation.  Seeking a solution to this dilemma, I did what any member of my generation would do seeking answers to life’s big questions–I started a blog.

So here goes.  Each week, I’m choosing a worship song to listen to and study throughout the week.   I know without a doubt that I cannot live off of worship alone.  Finding scripture to coincide with the worship song and praying for God’s help is another important part of this plan.  I not only want to become closer to God through worship, I want every action I take during the week to be a direct exultation of our living God.  Finally at the end of the week, I’m going to share about how successful, or unsuccessful, I was.  This week’s song was an easy pick–Hillsong United’s Forever Yours. A week from now, I’ll tell you about my inspirations and maybe even inspire you a tad.  Say a little prayer for me, and please,  sing along!